perhaps i'm really disgusting

the mood goes to the downiest tip.
just now my sister scolded me again,
and i put the biggest effort to control myself from not arguing with her.
perhaps in her eyes, i'm really disgusting.
perhaps in her eyes, i'm irresponsible.
perhaps in her eyes, i'm not the one of this family.
perhaps, i shouldn't be here.
this is the second time i wish i could disappear from here without a trace.
disappear like a puff of smoke.
so she won't be pissed off with me anymore,
and perhaps i can be happier.
i always wish i won't burden anyone,
but eventually i'm the one who always make them unhappy.
i guess both of us tired of liaising with each other.
moments ago, she scolded me, i took a deep breath,
sobbing alone like a kid can't find her parents.
i feel disapproved because my mom also on behalf of her.
have they really cared my feelings?
i know everyone is depressed, so i stopped the argue by silence.
but when i'm not happy, getting pissed off with her,
who's going listen to me?
why don't she just said what she dissatisfies with me through a better manner?
why she keeps on saying me i do not care about this family?
why she needs a mediator to point out what are my mistakes without giving a valid reason?
why we are not like a family anymore?
why...
she is stressful, but me as well....
the mediator said i'm always back home late, short-sighted, irresponsible...
all these i can accept.
but when the mediator said i'm indecent and immature in thinking, i really want to cry...
what i've done that makes them feel so?
am i didn't behave well? am i create lot of problems for them?
personally, i always try to lessen their burden,
but eventually they never been satisfied with me...